I discovered I'd forgotten myself. How could I reconcile getting so lost and forgive myself? How would I make it 'home' in one piece?
The other day, I was sitting in bed and reflecting on this powerful time of transition in my life. I've been emerging from a period of grief and integration following the end of a long life chapter, and a break-up. As I wrote down my thoughts I caught myself saying aloud, 'I've forgotten myself.' The feeling was all too familiar, though. I remember having said it to myself many times in past at various life transitions, and the recognition of this somehow made it even more painful. 'Here I am again,' I felt. 'I did it again."
It seemed a very long time since I had written in my journal, and that felt sad. Like I'd abandoned myself for an eon. I even remember making the decision to stop writing at the time, somewhat consciously, like I'd needed a break from myself and all my 'stuff'. Or like I was punishing myself on purpose. 'No love or attention for you.'
How do I resolve these feelings? How do I reconcile something that feels so bleak and wasteful?
I began to write: 'Know this,' I said to myself.' As you have remembered yourself now, you will also forget again - but less each time. And eventually, you will stay. I am here with you, again. You don't need to be afraid of forgetting. I will never stop being here. I'll be here until you're ready to stop closing your eyes. And as soon as you open them, you will see me and know that I've always been here.'
You don't need to be afraid of forgetting. I will never stop being here. I'll be here until you're ready to stop closing your eyes. And as soon as you open them, you will see me and know that I've always been here.'
Grasping the Wheel of My Life
Having suffered a number of life disappointments, I've developed a fairly relentless inner critic. You might relate. Negative self-conversations often natter out in the background, eroding my sense of self-esteem and personal empowerment.
But I have a good heart. I live with sincere intentions, and I know my mistakes are innocent. Even if I judge myself as 'sloppy'. Or 'lazy'. Or 'slow'. Or 'behind'. Or 'negligent'. Or 'irresponsible'. Or any of the other insidious things my mind tells me about myself. I know that these seemingly condemnable mistakes are unintentional, even if they're really nasty mistakes.
Knowing this, I endeavor to question and to understand WHY. Why do I make these 'mistakes'? Why, for example, do I forget myself'? Every small action I take to seek self-understanding fosters the compassion my beaten heart longs for.
Every small action I take to seek self-understanding fosters the compassion my beaten heart longs for.
Believing in My Goodness
I am already here, waiting to be remembered. Yes, I forgot again. But when I forget myself, when I 'leave home', I leave a trail of sorts.
Do you know what I mean?
The 'trail' is a sort of familiar territory, a recognition of me-ness that I observe on the return journey when I'm remembering myself again. As I return I've noticed that the 'trail' is never exactly the same as it was when I first set out. I've changed since I 'forgot' myself. I've grown.
Hmm.
That means forgetting has a purpose. It's like a kind of weaving, in and out, forgetting and remembering, that shapes the authentic fabric of my character.
For sure, there's a sadness at remembering what I'd forgotten that was really important. Like my priorities, my passions, my heart. I usually get pulled off course because of some addictive tendency, an addiction that's there because of some fear, some loss, some void. I could beat myself up for it, judge and blame myself for getting off track.
Instead, I tell myself, 'When you return it's because you have conquered a dragon. You broke free. You found your way again, and in that, there's enormous strength. You've unearthed yourself. Base metal has alchemized into gold, and nothing real is ever lost.'
Nothing real is ever lost.
'When you return it's because you have conquered a dragon. You broke free. You found your way again, and in that, there's enormous strength. You've unearthed yourself. Base metal has alchemized into gold, and nothing real is ever lost.'
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